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Make a new name

One unnamed woman's contribution to confronting a culture of rape

by Ken Sehested

        By now you know about the judicial lenience given by California Judge Aaron Persky to Stanford student Brock Turner for raping an unconscious woman at a campus party. You may also know about the absolutely clueless letter read to the judge by the student’s father.

        And you were probably shocked to learn that a Vanderbilt University athlete, convicted of the same crime under similar circumstances, is facing 15-25 years behind bars. Turner got 6 months. One of the two is African American, the other white.

        These events are but the latest in a string of similar assault cases, like the recent one involving Baylor University football players, which brought down the school’s president and head coach. Notre Dame University was among the universities profiled in “The Hunting Ground,” a 2015 documentary examining rape on college campuses.

        Then there are multiple National Football League players now facing some degree of accountability from the courts and the League office. Not to mention the protracted saga of comedian Bill Cosby’s accusers, a beleaguered cast which now number in the dozens.

        Patriarchy’s legacy spans political allegiance. People of my generation still flinch at the memory of civil rights icon Stokely Carmachael's quip that “The position of women in SNCC (Student Nonviolent Coordinating Committee) is prone.”

        What makes this particular moment uncommon is the action of one character: the victim of Brock Turner’s rape, whose name is still not publicly known but who has been anything but silent.

        Her letter, read in court at Turner’s sentencing, is one of the most articulate pain-soaked statements I have ever read. The sheer fact that she rose above her trauma to say anything publicly is amazing by itself. She remains anonymous, but she had the moxie to not only write this but also to read this missive (and it is long)—in court and in the presence of her attacker and the case’s presiding judge.

        This is a modern-day epistle, a dispatch from the traumatized trenches of gender bias.

        But her letter is not only about pain. There is an anguish-transcending majesty in her narrative.

        What she says is must-read material.

        It’s not fun reading. But it is essential reading.

        If not right now, make a pledge to yourself to read her letter sometime in the next 24 hours. Skip the morning paper or your favorite electronic news wire or Facebook scroll. Skip your daily Bible reading and/or you prayer/meditation time if need be.

        Skip a meal, get up early, go to bed late, if your schedule is that tight. Just do it.

        If you have children above the age of accountability, require them to read it—and talk with you about it. Maybe call a family meeting to discuss it. Ask your Sunday school class to read and discuss it, or your civic club, or your deacon board or church staff meeting or your pastors’ fellowship.

        This tragedy creates an opening to lift the curtain on a shockingly common form of violence which has been covered up or overlooked or excused almost forever.

        Rape is a form of terrorism. It’s obsessing goal is not genital contact—it is about domination. It is a kind of eroticized violence rooted in millennia of gender tyranny. There is a word for it—misogyny—naming a pattern of contempt for and ingrained prejudice against women by men. The fact that males also suffer sexual assault does not balance out the preponderance of statistical facts documenting male suppression of women’s lives.

        The long road to mutuality must include fathers telling sons, “Her body, her rules.”

        Surely—and I believe this firmly—Brock Turner needs to be required to enter some kind of restorative justice process, one that might lead to genuine repentance (regardless of how long he stays in prison); and he needs to be accountable not only to the criminal justice system but also to the woman he assaulted (or to her appointed representative). This process, including professional counseling, should take time, months at least, maybe years.

        If the only thing that happens to Mr. Turner is inflicting the pain of punishment, he will likely, eventually, vomit out that pain on others, thereby perpetuating the cycle of violence.

        One breathtaking part of this one woman’s letter is just this sort of recognition.

            “Your life is not over, you have decades of years ahead to rewrite your story. . . .  I challenge you to make a new name for yourself, to do something so good for the world. You have a brain and a voice and a heart. Use them wisely. You possess immense love from your family. That alone can pull you out of anything. . . .

        “I hope you will become a better, more honest person who can properly use this story to prevent another story like this from ever happening again. I fully support your journey to healing, to rebuilding your life, because that is the only way you'll begin to help others.”

        “In memory of her” is the phrase Jesus uses at the close of the story (Matthew 26) about the unnamed woman in Bethany who anointed his feet with oil. Another unnamed woman may be doing something as memorable in our time.

        We all long for new names.

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org

Remembering Jephthah’s Daughter

A litany for worship, inspired by Judges 11:29-40

by Ken Sehested

Today’s text is the brutal story of the mighty warrior, Jephthah, whose bloody victory entails the sacrifice of his only child, a daughter, whose name is lost to history.  Hear now and testify your resolve to Heaven’s intent:

Oh you, dear unnamed daughter, pawn of warrior’s reckless vow,

You whose life was bound, requiting bloody vic’try, ancient row,

You whose memory linked forever to a father’s scur’lous name,

By whose spirit, for whose honor, consumed in sacrificial flame.

      O you among the living, will you remember me at all
?

      Will you write my name out with a single finger scrawl

      Across a broken window, in some long forgotten wall,

      That goes stretching out forever where the tears of heaven fall
?

      Can I get no witness, this unholy tale to tell?

      Was God alone there watching, crying, weeping as I fell?

Yes, God was there weeping, bidding me to do the same,

Bidding me to intervene by the power of Mercy’s reign.

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org

The words in italics are lyrics from Emmylou Harris' song, "Lost Unto This World"

 

—Ken Sehested, inspired by Judges 11:29-40, using lyrics (in italics) from “Lost Unto This World,” by Emmylou Harris and Daniel Roland Lanois

 

 

Limb by limb

Repenting and repairing a legacy of violence against women

by Ken Sehested

Men: Our hearts sag with sorrow when the history of such misery is unveiled.

Women: Such truthfulness comes at a cost. But worthy is the truth.

M: What good can come from such vile remembrance? Can we not safely and silently dispose of such memory?

W: No, not safely. Heaven still hears. The roots are deep. The seeds are dormant. The brutal harvest continues.

M: How then can we live with such terrible knowledge?

W: We can live because the truth unknots the cords of enmity. But first, a NO has to be spoken with clarity, a renunciation has to be made, before a YES can be asserted, before an affirmation can be announced.

M: Then let us proceed. Will you walk with us?

W: Yes, we will walk with you.

M: With the encouragement of you, our sisters, we renounce the habits of tyranny and intimidation. And we shall instruct our sons to also renounce.

W: With the encouragement of you, our brothers, we renounce any silence and complicity. And we shall instruct our daughters to undertake such risky speech.

All: Breath of Providence, Breast of Provision, be near us in the midst of terror which assaults the bond between male and female, jointly created in the image of Holy Intent.

Strengthen and sustain the work of Helpmate*. Fortify their voice. Steel their courage in the face of resistance. Enlarge their merciful embrace of all whose lives are battered and bruised and broken.

Beloved, bear witness to these promises. Confirm our repentance. Grant bold resolve from hearts humbled by Your caress. As we are endeared to You, so make us endearing to each other. Limb by limb may the healing begin, in us according to your mercy.

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org,

Written for use in a special worship service dealing with domestic violence. Sermon text for the day: Judges 19, the story of the torture and murder of the unnamed concubine. *Helpmate is the name of the local shelter for women and their children.

Steal away

A litany for worship

by Ken Sehested

Introduction: To “steal away to Jesus” is not submission to injustice or passivity in the face of evil. Rather, it represents a strategic retreat to gather the weapons of the Spirit needed to reengage enemies in ways they fail to fathom and ultimately cannot thwart. Enemies are destroyed, by and by, when enmity itself is swallowed in death.

§  §  §

One: When the apostles were gathered, exuberant with tales of all they had done, Jesus said: Steal away with me to a quiet place.

       All: Steal away, to the garden’s still harbor.

              ALL SING: Steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus.

One: When the Israelites faced the Red Sea in front, Pharaoh’s chariots behind, Moses spoke to the people: Fear not. Stand still. Soon you will see the deliverance of our God!

       All: And the waters parted.

              ALL SING: Steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus.

One: “Be still and know,” the Beloved entices, though desolation confound. For every bow shall fracture, every shield abandoned, every warring heart and armed incursion halted, every malice routed by Mercy’s advance.

       All: With the Blessed One on our side, cried the psalmist, I shall not fear! What can mere mortals do to me?

              ALL SING: Steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus.

One: Fear not, Jesus said in departure. Be of good cheer, for destiny’s cruel rule is being dismantled.

       All: Steal away home, children! In every midnight’s hour, find the still point’s Center; lay your burdens down; let your breath find its rest; study war no more.

              ALL SING: Steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus.

One: Let the quiet unfurl, let the silence commence. Moor yourself to the peace that passes all understanding.

       All: When death itself yields to life’s Invocation, when Heaven’s abundance revives earth’s withered soil, when creatures join in joyful accord, then all tombs cede their dead at the Risen One’s beckon.

              ALL SING: Steal away, steal away, steal away to Jesus.

#  #  #

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org. Inspired by Mark 6:30-33, with phrases from Exodus 14:13; Psalm 46:8-11; Psalm 118:6; John 16:33; Philippians 4:7; and line from “Steal Away to Jesus,” American Negro spiritual by Wallace Willis.

 

News, views, notes, and quotes

Signs of the Times  •  2 June 2016  •  No. 75

Processional.Get Right With God,” Lucinda Williams.

Above: Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, Arlington National Cemetery, Virginia

Memorial Day reprise

Special edition of Signs of the Times

Fellow citizens (in the US): We need to talk. Not just about Memorial Day but about an annual holiday calendar that includes no less than 13 days celebrating (directly or indirectly) a militarized history of our nation. (The annotated list is printed below.)

        This past week I’ve written two new short essays dealing with this question. The first is “Memorial Day piety: A meditation on the day’s significance.” The second is “Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse.” (Part one of a two part series title “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind.”) The summary paragraphs for both, with links to the full texts, are posted below.

        Ponder these things. I would love to know what you think. Post your comments, questions, and/or challenges on the “reader comments” section at the bottom of this page.

Invocation. Agnus Dei” (Georges Bizet), performed by Luciana Pavarotti.

Call to worship. “I’ll lay down my Bible / if you’ll lay down your gun / Hear my plea / Hear my plea / Hear my hopes  / For you and me / May we all join hands  / lay down our arms harmonize  / breathe as one  / May we love, love, love, love  / May we love.” —Willie Sugarcapps, “May We Love

 

First featured essay

"Memorial Day piety: A meditation on the day’s significance"

        My question is not whether we should mourn, legitimately and unreservedly, the loss of our war dead on Memorial Day.

        Yes. A thousand times yes. . . .

        I happen to believe that the failure to love enemies, resulting in the resort to calculated violence, is to hedge your bet on Jesus. Others will argue differently.

        So let’s be very clear about this: The disagreement between proponents of just war and those of principled nonviolence does not include competition for divine affection. God is utterly beyond such partiality, and nothing we can do will tip the scales of beloved attention. No one gets more cookies, seating upgrade or pay-for-play access to seats of power. The contrast in opinion is not a contest over who excels in moral heroism, superior courage, or intellectual rigor. —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “Memorial Day piety

§  §  §

Patriotic holidays. There are 13 officially-sanctioned holidays in the US annual calendar which, directly or indirectly, commemorate a militarized history of the nation.

        This does not include commemoration of the Confederate cause of the Civil War, or the birthdays of one of the Confederate leaders, in 11 Southern states (Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Georgia, Kentucky, Louisiana, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Carolina, Texas and Virginia) and in Pennsylvania, where the state’s Confederate partisans are remembered. In many of these, actual observance is fading or phased out entirely. For more details, see “Confederate Memorial Day in the United States

        •Lincoln’s Birthday, celebrating our Civil War president (12 February).

        •[George] Washington’s Birthday (22 February), celebrating the Commanding General of the US Revolutionary War and first US president.

        •Loyalty Day originally began as "Americanization Day" in 1921 as a counter to the Communists' 1 May celebration of the Russian Revolution. (“May Day” celebrations actually go back to the pre-Christian era and continue as a spring festival for many countries in the northern hemisphere.) On May 1, 1930, 10,000 VFW members staged a rally at New York's Union Square to promote patriotism. Through a resolution adopted in 1949, 1 May evolved into Loyalty Day. Observances began in 1950 on April 28 and climaxed 1 May when more than five million people across the nation held rallies. In New York City, more than 100,000 people rallied for America. In 1958 Congress enacted Public Law 529 proclaiming Loyalty Day a permanent fixture on the nation's calendar.

        •Armed Forces Day (third Saturday in May).

        •Memorial Day (last Monday in May).

        •Flag Day (14 June). Prior to the Civil War, the US flag was not popularly displayed but “served mostly as a military ensign or a convenient marking of American territory, flown from forts, embassies, and ships, and displayed on special occasions like American Independence day.” [Adam Goodheart (2011). :Prologue" in 1861: The Civil War Awakening, Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group]

        •Independence Day (4 July).

        •Patriot Day (11 September), in remembrance of the terrorist attacks. Established by a joint resolution of Congress, 18 December 2001.

        •Constitution Day (17 September). In 1917, the Sons of the American Revolution formed a committee to promote Constitution Day. A new song, “I Am An American,” was featured at  the 1939 New York World’s Fair. Soon public media picked up on and promoted the theme. On 29 February 1952 Congress moved the "I am an American Day" observation to September 17 and renamed it "Citizenship Day.” Congress changed the name to “Constitution Day” in 2004.

        •National Prisoner of War/Missing in Action Recognition Day, customarily observed on the 3th Friday of September, was established by an act of Congress in 1998.

        •Columbus Day (second Monday in October), marking the start of European colonization of the Americas. Several locales in the US have begun celebrating “Indigenous Peoples Day” (though the event does not replace Columbus Day in places where Columbus Day is a state holiday). These include the state of South Dakota, Berkeley, Ca., Sandoval County and Albuquerque, N.M., Anadarko, Okla., Multnomah County and Portland, Ore., Erie County, N.Y., Minneapolis and St. Paul, Minn., and Olympia and Seattle and Bellingham, Wash., Lawrence, Kan.,

        •National Boss Day (16 October). Just kidding.

        •Veterans Day (11 November).

        •Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day (7 December).

 

Second featured essay

"Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse"

        Let’s be honest. Jesus’ command to “love your enemies” is likely the New Testament’s most memorable yet most effectively ignored directive.

        US presidential candidate Donald Trump hints at the disconnect in a recent interview.

        When asked on a radio talk show to name his favorite Bible verse or story that “informed” his thinking or character, Trump’s response was (and this is verbatim):

        “Well, I think many. I mean, when we get into the Bible, I think many, so many. And some people, look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that.” (Notice his characteristic way of saying something without quite saying it.)

        He continued, “That’s not a particularly nice thing.”

        “Not nice”? You mean there’s something “not nice” in the Bible? When asked to pick a text that informed his thinking, why go to the “not nice” part? One that Jesus contradicted? Why not mention a “nice” verse or two. —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse,” part 1 of a two part essay titled “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” 

§  §  §

Hymn of praise. Paraguay's landfill orchestra plays instruments made from recycled rubbish.

The Spirit’s intercession for the world.Because I Love You More Than You’ll Ever Know,” Amy Winehouse.

Confession.Father Forgive Us,” Armenian hymn.

Words of assurance. Agnus Dei – Gregorian Chant,” Monastic Choir of the Abbey of Notre Dame de Fontgombault.

Hymn of intercession. “Who said that everything's lost? / I'm here to offer my heart, / So much blood carried away by the river, / I'm here to offer my heart.” —First verse in English translation of “Yo vengo a ofrecer mi corazón,” Mercedes Sosa

Preach it. “No one should dispute the valor of soldiers and sailors and airmen and women, and I certainly don’t. In fact, I’m envious, envious over the fact that we have institutions capable of calling forth the willingness to go into harm’s way for reasons beyond self-preservation. Once upon a time, the church offered a similarly compelling story, inspiring similar levels of commitment.” —continue reading Ken Sehested’s Memorial Day sermon, “How long will you sit on the fence?

Call to the table.Adagio for Strings,” with scenes from the movie “Platoon.” (7:35)

Altar call. “Many are the hearts that are weary tonight, / Wishing for the war to cease; / Many are the hearts looking for the right / To see the dawn of peace.” —refrain from “Tenting Tonight,” a Civil War era song by Walter Kittredge performed by Tom Roush

Benediction. “Into your hands we commend ourselves and those we love. Be with us still, and when we take our rest, renew us for the service of your Son Jesus Christ.” —New Zealand Prayer Book

Recessional. “Eternal Father, strong to save, / Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,  / Who bidd'st the mighty ocean deep / Its own appointed limits keep; / Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee, / For those in peril on the sea! Eternal Father, Strong to Save,” (aka “The Navy Hymn"), performed by the US Navy Band Sea Chanters

Lectionary for Sunday next. “Those to whom little is forgiven, love little.” —Luke 7:47

Just for fun. Listen to the a cappella music group Cantus’ rendition of Curtis Mayfield’s hit song, “It’s All Right

#  #  #

Featured this week on prayer&politiks:

• “Memorial Day piety,” a meditation on the function of Memorial Day

• “Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse,” part 1 of a two part essay titled “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” 

• “Agnus Dei (Lamb of God),” a poem

• “How long will you sit on the fence?a Memorial Day sermon

Recently featured

• “Memorial Day: A summary history: Why being for peace is not enough”

• “Trans-formation: Controversy over the boundary of God’s welcome continues

• “Public reasoning and ekklesial reckoning: Commentary on the Vatican conference calling for ‘spirituality and practice of active nonviolence’ to displace church focus on just war"

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org. Language not otherwise indicated above is that of the editor. Don’t let the “copyright” notice keep you from circulating material you find here (and elsewhere in this site). Reprint permission is hereby granted in advance for noncommercial purposes.

Your comments are always welcomed. If you have news, views, notes or quotes to add to the list above, please do. If you like what you read, pass this along to your friends. You can reach me directly at kensehested@prayerandpolitiks.org.

Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi

Lamb of God, that taketh away the sins of the world (John 1:29)

by Ken Sehested

Does the Lamb of God truly take away
the sins of the world? The question is
more than a forensic exercise. The
question brings us to a momentous
fork in the road.

§ If so, then how can we who affirm this
conviction fail to live into its consequences—
promised though not yet prospered—of
withdrawing from and standing against
the logic of retaliation and every
bloodletting endeavor. It is not
                JUST WAR.
                    It is
                 just war.

§ If so, are we not under the mandate of
Scripture’s repeated caveat against
using evil means to resist evil ends?

§ If not, then infidelity reigns, and all are
free to pursue, without qualm, every
passion that arises in the contention
of each against all; for there can be
no basis, no argument, no code of
conduct demanding respect, since all
such codes are mere show designed to
               justify the mighty
                       in their
       profiteering of the meager.

§ If not, do not mourn, do not regret,
do not repent, do not deprecate
afterwards for the barbarous, feral
character resulting in and enthroned
by each victory over beasts.
Penance after the fact is tomfoolery:
             it does not purchase
                    divine favor,
                        for God
              cannot be bought.

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org

An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind

Part 1: Donald Trump’s favorite Bible verse

by Ken Sehested

“We’ll worship the hind legs off Jesus but never do a thing he says.” —Clarence Jordan

            Let’s be honest. Jesus’ command to “love your enemies” is likely the New Testament’s most memorable yet most effectively ignored directive.

            US presidential candidate Donald Trump hints at the disconnect in a recent interview.

            When asked on a radio talk show to name his favorite Bible verse or story that “informed” his thinking or character, Trump’s response was (and this is verbatim):

            “Well, I think many. I mean, when we get into the Bible, I think many, so many. And some people, look, an eye for an eye, you can almost say that.” (Notice his characteristic way of saying something without quite saying it.)

            He continued, “That’s not a particularly nice thing.”

            “Not nice”? You mean there’s something “not nice” in the Bible? When asked to pick a text that informed his thinking, why go to the “not nice” part? One that Jesus contradicted.[1] Why not a “nice” verse or two?

            In the interview Trump continued, “If you look at what’s happening to our country, when you see what’s going on with our country, how people are taking advantage of us and how they scoff at us and laugh at us and laugh at our face. They’re taking our jobs, they’re taking our money, they’re taking the health of our country. We have to be very firm and we have to be very strong, and we can learn a lot from the Bible, that I can tell you.”[2]

            Meet Donald Trump, populist theologian and champion of street level exegesis.

            Trump was referencing the lex talionis tradition in Hebrew Scripture, popularly alluded to as the “eye for an eye” standard of justice.[3] As scholars point out, those teachings were established for the cause of justice rather than justification for vengeance. These stipulations undermine the kind of limitless revenge as typified in Lamech’s pledge, “If Cain is avenged sevenfold, truly Lamech seventy-sevenfold" (Genesis 4:23a-24).

            Trump instinctively senses that revenge is “not nice,” but, hey, somebody has to do it, or otherwise people will take advantage of you. Which is why Jesus’ mandate about loving enemies—undeniably the hallmark of his teaching—is so thoroughly ignored, except as a tool for instructing children about playground fairness.

            Trump—along with most, even in the church—consider “loving enemies” utterly impractical and, for that matter, the reason we’re in the mess we’re in. Though criticizing Jesus isn’t something you want to do in public, especially during an election cycle. Majority opinion is closer to this bumper sticker sentiment accompanied with a Marine Corps insignia: “Pacifism is a luxury paid for by warriors.”

            “It is a rare society that tells exemplary stories of peacemaking,” Lance Morrow wrote in a Time Magazine essay, “except, say, for the Gospels of Christ, whose irenic grace may be admired from a distance, without much effect on daily behavior.”[4]

            Trump is hardly the only one who reveres the Bible while panning its substance. According to polls, 88% of US citizens own a Bible, 80% think it sacred, and more than half think it has too little influence in public life. Yet only 20% read it on a regular basis. More than three-fourths believe the Ten Commandments should be posted in public buildings, but nearly two-thirds of those can recall even five of those instructions.[5]

            When 82% of those polled believe “God helps those who help themselves” comes from the Bible,[6] Scripture’s function as cultural prop and national talisman is confirmed.

            In a quick search I found one online poster with a photo of the lethal Air Force A-10 “Warthog” fighter with the inscription:

            “Vengeance is mine, says the Lord.”[7]

            But underneath the text, in smaller type is a subtext:

            “But he subcontracts.”

            That inventive interpretation also takes aim indirectly at the repeated insistence in the Bible against meeting evil with evil.[8]

            The notion of loving enemies is effectively reduced to humorous ridicule, as when Frank Sinatra quipped: “Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the Bible says love your enemy.” Mohandas Gandhi was right when he said “An eye for an eye ends up making the whole world blind.”

            The power to love enemies is both the evidence of salvation and its acclamation, taking on the Abba’s family resemblance, walking in the Way of Jesus, by the Spirit’s power conforming to the mind of Christ. For “while we were enemies [of God] we were reconciled” (Romans 5:10) by the Beloved’s unilaterally transforming initiative, baptizing into the same mission all who trust Resurrection’s promise, disarmed hearts rising to participate in the disarming of the nations.

#  #  #  End of part 1. Part 2 to come.

 

Notes

[1] Matthew 5:38-39. In his far-reaching exegesis of Jesus’ admonition, “Do not resist an evildoer,” Walter Wink demonstrates how poorly that text is rendered in English. “Jesus is not encouraging submission to evil; that would run counter to everything he did and said.  He is, rather, warning against responding to evil in kind by letting the oppressor set the terms of our opposition.  Perhaps most importantly, he cautions us against being made over into the very evil we oppose by adopting its methods and spirit.  He is saying, in effect, Do not mirror evil; do not become the very thing you hate.  The best translation is the Scholars Version: "Don't react violently against the one who is evil." “Beyond Just War and Pacifism: Jesus’ Nonviolent Way.”

[2] Listen to Trump’s comment from a radio talk show interview by Bob Lonsberry on Rochester, New York’s WHAM 1180AM station.

[3] See Exodus 21:23-25, Leviticus 24:17-22, Deuteronomy 19:15-21.

[4] “To Conquer the Past,” Time Magazine, 3 January 1994, italics added.

[5] “State of the Bible 2015," Barna Group 2015 poll for the American Bible Society; Albert L. Winseman, “Americans: Thou Shalt Not Remove the Ten Commandments,” Gallup, 12 April 2005 ; Caleb Bell, “Poll: Americans love the Bible but don’t read it much,” Washington Post, 4 April 2013

[6] Albert Mohler, “The Scandal of Biblical Illiteracy: It’s Our Problem,” Christianity.com.

[7] See Deuteronomy 32:35, Romans 12:19, among others.

[8] cf. Proverbs 20:22, Matthew 5:38-42; Luke 6:27-35; Romans 12:17-20; 1 Peter 3:8-9

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org

How long will you sit on the fence?

A Memorial Day sermon

Text: 1 Kings 18:20-39
29 May 2016
Circle of Mercy Congregation, Asheville NC

by Ken Sehested

       A week ago I was coming up with ideas to share with Brian about music appropriate for today’s service. I sent a note to Larry Wilson who, as a life-long Mennonite pastor, would surely know the Mennonite hymnal and might have some Memorial Day music suggestions for worship.

       Larry wrote back and said, “Well, we never paid much attention to Memorial Day, so the truth is I don’t know of anything to recommend.”

       Here in this Circle we, too, enter Memorial Day weekend feeling a lot of ambiguity. On the one hand, we’re generally aware of the extraordinary sacrifice which veterans have endured. Since 1973 we’ve had an all-volunteer army here in the US. With a draft, the human costs of war are not widely felt throughout the population. But I suspect many know the unique ache of losing a loved one to the ravages of war.

       Although he almost never talked about it, my Dad was in the first wave landing at Omaha Beach in the 1945 D-Day invasion on the French coast of Europe. He carried to his grave a piece of shrapnel embedded in bone behind his right ear. Whenever I go to Washington, DC, I try to make time to visit the Vietnam War Memorial. My cousin Ron, whom I played with when our families gathered most summers at the Sehested clan house in Marlow, Oklahoma, has his name engraved on that wall.

       Years ago I daydreamed about taking a tour of war memorials around the globe, to experience them first-hand as a way of reflecting on what role they play in the life of a culture. Most, of course, glorify war. They function very much like religious altars, lifting up the memories of the dead as blood sacrifice and atonement for the nation and the penal cost of freedom. They are among the most sacred architecture in a nation’s liturgy. The flying of a nation’s flag, and the reciting of pledges of allegiance, point to these structures and the memories they store. Which brings to mind a couple of quotes:

       We believe “neither in the possibility nor the utility of perpetual peace. We “repudiate the doctrine of Pacifism—born of a renunciation of the struggle and an act of cowardice in the face of sacrifice. War alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and put the stamp of nobility upon the peoples who have the courage to meet it.”

       Then a second quote: “In great empires the people who live in the capital, and in the provinces remote from the scene of action, feel, many of them, scarce any inconveniency from the war; but enjoy, at their ease, the amusement of reading in the newspapers the exploits of their own fleets and armies. To them this amusement compensates the small difference between the taxes which they pay on account of the war, and those which they had been accustomed to pay in time of peace. They are commonly dissatisfied with the return of peace, which puts an end to their amusement, and to a thousand visionary hopes of conquest and national glory from a longer continuance of the war.”

       I can imagine any number of political leaders saying that first quote. But in fact it was written by Benito Mussolini, the World War II dictator of Italy. The second is from Adam Smith, the Scottish moral philosopher and political economist who is considered as the “father” of free-market capitalism. I think of it every year this weekend when the Indianapolis 500 car race happens, and the morning paper is more than twice its usual size due to the Memorial Day sales fliers.

       By the way, 350,000 people were at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway today to watch that race. Another 7 million or so watched it on TV. By my rough estimate, over the past 15 years worship attendance at Circle of Mercy totals a bit less than 40,000. Assuming worship attendance remains about the same, it will take us another 100 years to equal today’s attendance at the Indy 500. And it will take 175,000 years for us to total the number than watch today’s race on TV.

       Does that make you feel small? I hope so, for it’s only when we learn to embrace our smallness will we discover the goodness of the Gospel and the secret to our power.

       Memorial Day cookouts and picnics draw family and friends together. That’s a good thing. Millions of people experience the raw horsepower of the Indy 500, where the average speed is more than 150 miles per hour. That’s a rush. Tens of millions will visit cemeteries this weekend to honor the dead, especially those killed in our nation’s wars. They should be remembered. For decades my uncle in Oklahoma goes to the Marlow cemetery to lay fresh flowers on the graves of the Sehested and Rowell clans. The reason I appreciate the Vietnam Memorial is because it is designed for grief. Whether you are or against any particular war, we all need to grieve the inevitable losses.

       Hundreds of millions of US flags will fly this weekend. Once upon a time that flag symbolized the overthrow of repressive government and militarized oppression—though I dare say what the flag symbolizes today is not as clear, especially in our time, when U.S. special forces are operating in 134 countries around the globe and are supported by more than 800 military bases outside our nation’s borders.

       No one should dispute the valor of soldiers and sailors and airmen and women, and I certainly don’t. In fact, I’m envious, envious over the fact that we have institutions capable of calling forth the willingness to go into harm’s way for reasons beyond self-preservation. Once upon a time, the church offered a similarly compelling story, inspiring similar levels of commitment.

       “Greater love hath none than this,” Jesus told his disciples, “than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends” (John 15:13). Nowadays most adults can buy an assault rifle with that verse of Scripture inscribed on the barrel.

       Solemn oaths of allegiance and loyalty have long traditions in both the military and the church. My argument with military culture is not over morality. I’m pretty sure there are proportionately as many sincere, fair-minded members in the military as in the church. My argument, rather, is whose vision—the one in Scripture refined and focused in Jesus’ testimony, or the one in policies of national defense—whose vision about the exertion of power to order the Beloved Community is more compelling and, more importantly, more trustworthy in the long run?

       Does the Way of Jesus compete with the wont of the Pentagon?

       Is the Way of Jesus “an act of cowardice in the face of sacrifice?”

       Is it true that “war alone brings up to their highest tension all human energies and put the stamp of nobility upon the peoples”?

       Is it remotely possible that loving one’s enemies is not a silly notion but is, in fact, the way to peace?

       Part of the answer to that question is defining what “peace” is. In his history of ancient Rome’s conquests, the historian Tacitus recorded this comment from one military commander overwhelmed by Roman might: “They rob, butcher, plunder, and call it ‘empire’; and where they make a desolation, a wasteland, they call it ‘peace.’”

       What we should be asking ourselves is whether the peace of Christ is a reliable alternative to the peace of Rome. Pax Christi? Or Pax Romana? Or is the peace of Christ merely a “spiritual” thing, emptied of fleshly meaning, useful only as a preparation for the life hereafter, where the peace of Rome is the undisputed guarantor of human affairs this side of Heaven? In other words, is “just war-making” the most reasonable bet?

§  §  §

       Today’s text from 1 Kings is a doozy. One bit of background: a little earlier in chapter 18 Israel’s King Ahab refers to the prophet Elijah as “the troubler” of the nation. We need to ask ourselves when and how the Word of God is the “troubler of nations” and in what ways are we to be “troublers” of the nation.

       In this text a national debate is raging over which source of divine power is more reliable. Is it Ba’al, the most common name of the deity of that part of ancient semitic cultures in what we now call the Middle East; or is it Yahweh, the one who mobilized the Hebrew people’s escape from Egyptian bondage?

       Elijah challenges the priest of Ba’al to a showdown. All the people met at Mount Carmel. Then Elijah made his famous indictment of the people’s divided loyalties, in the form of an accusatory question: “When will you stop sitting on the fence?” Another translator uses a different metaphor: “How long will you go limping with two different opinions?”

       When will you stop sitting on the fence? How long will you go limping with two different opinions?

       I hope you loved Nancy’s children’s story about Hedy Epstein[1] as much as I did—though none of us love it was much as Bill Ramsey [one of our members], who was like a son to Hedy. Remember these three things, Hedy told countless number of school children over the course of her lifetime: (1) remember your past; (2) don’t hate; and (3) don’t be a bystander. Get off the fence; quit limping along with two different opinions. Make up your mind and put your assets in the game.

       There’s not enough time now to survey the entire narrative of Elijah’s confrontation with 450 priests of Ba’al. That number, by the way, is key to the sarcasm of this story: Elijah is outnumbered 450-to-1. Needless to say it was a fiery showdown. The priests of Ba’al are hapless. Despite parading around their altar all day long, nothing happened. (The text repeated the word “limped” in describing the priests’ desperate efforts.) All in vain. Elijah mocked them, saying “Cry aloud! It’s shoutin’ time. Surely your god is a true God. But maybe he’s immersed in transcendental meditation, doing some centering prayer, lost in a mystical trance, holed up somewhere in a sweat lodge. Or maybe he wandered off, out of cellphone reach in a no wi-fi wilderness. Or maybe just catching up on some zzzz’s, taking a power nap.

       Then to underscore the drama, Elijah had his altar soaked in water; and then soaked again; and then a third time. He was taunting his opponents, almost like fighting them with one hand tied behind his back.

       That’s when the fireworks began.

§ § §

       And so we, too, are faced with our own Memorial Day choice. How long will we sit on the fence? How long will we go about limping with unresolved, contradictory commitments?

§ § §

       Let me be clear about this. The world is not a harmless place. It can be dangerous, even deadly. Jesus’ call to faith is not a recommendation of naiveté, as if we could just sing “Kumbaya” enough and threats would go away. The question that dogs us is the question about which vision of the future is more reliable? Which god deserves our trust and obedience? Does violence, in the end, play a necessary redemptive function—God, being occasionally distracted, needing a little nudge from us to make history come out right? Or is there a reliable power beyond the weapons of war and retaliation and emotional manipulation and harsh and bitter language? And if so, what does that power require of us? What does it look like? How do we access it and learn it and practice it and teach it? How do we shape individuals and families and economic institutions and whole cultures that cooperate in building a culture of peace? As a start, we should revisit our own “Peace Church” statement approved in 2012.[2]

       Let me be clear about this. There is no Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, telling Dorothy that in order to escape the dangerous land of Oz she only need click the heels of her ruby slippers three times, repeating the phrase “There’s no place like home.”

       This, sisters and brothers—this is home, right here in our often-threatening land of Oz. This is the arena of God’s redemptive plan. This, not some distant horizon, some place in what’s behind the clouds, is where we must pitch our tents. This is where the drama of salvation is being played out. This is the geography of our faith. This is the reference point of our marching orders and our mustering in the God Movement.

       The really uncomfortable news, however, is that we really cannot know this alternative source of power until we actually commit ourselves to it. Details of the Way only opens up as we walk. Nothing important can be known short of the risk of commitment.

       Remember your history; don’t hate; and by all means get off the fence, don’t be a bystander.

# # #

[P.S. The lectionary editors ended today’s 1 Kings reading at v. 39, just short of v. 40 where the priests of Ba’al are massacred at Elijah’s demand. We cannot simply whiteout that part of the story—but that’s another sermon.]

Endnotes

[1] See “Hedy Epstein, Rights Activist and Holocaust Survivor, Dies at 91,” The New York Times.

[2] “Circle of Mercy is a Peace Church.”

News, views, notes, and quotes

Signs of the Times  •  26 May 2016  •  No. 74

Processional.Conga,” Miami Sound Machine.

Above: Deep in the Guangxi Province of China, photo by Trey Ratcliff.

Invocation. Sometimes God invokes us as we emerge from slumber—something like this. (1:05 video. Thanks Marti).

Call to worship. “When you’ve had your fill of huckster dreams and foolish /  schemes; when exhausted by self-help gurus and stock / market voodoos; when weight loss and hair gain on easy monthly payments disappoint: / Come home to the One who throws a party at your approach!” —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “Come home,” a litany for worship inspired by Psalm 146

Men behaving well—this will get your mojo cranked. “Single dad and daughter bond over braids.” —Steve Hartman, CBS Evening News (3:01 video)

Good news. “Posing in front of handcrafted stage sets as if starring in a school play, refugee children from Burundi and Syria re-enacted scenes of escape from their home countries while others dressed up for their dream jobs. Frustrated that most photos of refugee children in mainstream media depict images of despair and hopelessness, [French photographer Patrick Willocq] decided to let the children tell their own stories in their own way.” —"Refugee Children Act Out Their Stories and Dreams in These Beautiful Photos," Alexandra Ma

Getting better news. “While the situation is still dire, with Black farmers comprising only about 1% of the industry, we have not disappeared. After more than a century of decline, the number of Black farmers is on the rise.” Leah Penniman, Yes! Magazine

Hymn of praise.All God’s Chillin Got Wings,” Sons of the Pioneers.

Hundreds of people took part in a march in the Cuban city of Matanzas (right) commemorating the International Day Against Homophobia and Transphobia. Among the participants were Somos, a faith-based network of gayfolk in Cuba, and Iglesias de la Communidad Metropolitana (ICM), a new lgbt-affirming congregation in Matanzas founded by members of Iglesia Primera Bautista. —For more information on the march, see Michael K. Lavers, Washington Blade.

A must-read. “Seven things I’m learning about transgendered persons.” Rev. Mark Wingfield, Baptist News Global

Read the transcript of an NPR interview with Rev. Wingfield. —“Pastor Writes To Dispel Embedded Misconceptions About Transgender People

An extraordinarily powerful story. “Jake, born female, was 5 when he says he first told his dad he was a boy. Jon thought it was a phase, but came to accept it, and 15 years later Jake made his new name and gender official.” NPR interview (audio 8:14)

¶ “We are mostly being dragged into that conversation, of course. There’s always stormy weather when frontal boundaries move through. You would think people of faith would have learned by now that turbulence is the Holy Spirit’s middle name, and fireworks are her calling card.” —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “Trans-formation: Controversy over the boundary of God’s welcome continues

Lexicon aids for us remedial students. Jennifer Barge provides “Some much needed basics on gender” language.

The larger tragedy highlighted by a few numbers, from the National Transgender Discrimination Survey.
        • 41% of transgender and gender non-conforming individuals have attempted suicide as compared to 1.6% of the general population.
        • 47% said they had been fired, not hired or denied a promotion.
        • 19% reported being homeless at some point; 55% harassed by shelter staff or residents; 29% turned away from shelters; 22% suffered sexual assault.
        • 19% reported being refused medical care.

For more information on the Istanbul march, see “LGBT Muslims.”

¶ “Is homosexuality compatible with Christian faith? Is heterosexuality compatible with Christian faith?  Uncircumcised, or circumcised? Neither question, I would suggest, is relevant. To quote Scripture, ‘We believe that we will be saved through the grace of the Lord Jesus, just as they will(Acts 15:11). —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “St. Peter and the Jerusalem Protocol: Commentary on Biblical Fidelity and Sexual Orientation

Confession. “I've got no time to look back, I've got no time to see, / The pieces of my heart that have been ripped away from me. / And if the feeling starts to coming, I've learned to stop 'em fast. / ’Cause I don't know, if I let ’em go, they might not wanna pass.” —Iris Dement, “No Time to Cry

This is part of God’s humor. “Police in [Istanbul] Turkey blast gay pride parade (see at right) with water cannons, accidentally create a rainbow.” Christopher Hooton, Independent

Can’t make this sh*t up. The daughter of America's most famous evangelical Christian has said God let 9/11 happen to show the US they need him. Anne Graham Lotz, the daughter of Billy Graham, claimed God has abandoned Americans because of their attitude towards transgender rights, evolution and the separation of church and state. ‘I think that’s why God allows bad things to happen. To show us that we need him.’” Samuel Osborne, Independent

Words of assurance.  “Life smooths us, perfects us as does the river the stone, and there is no place our Beloved is not flowing, though the current’s force you may not like.” —St. Teresa of Ávila

Blessing of the bicycles: Liturgy evolving to pronounce God’s goodness in a myriad of ways. On 30 April St. John the Divine Episcopal Cathedral in New York City held its 18th annual “blessing of the bicycles.” Here is a brief video (1:50) taken at the 2010 event.

Hymn of intercession.Take Your Burden to the Lord and Leave It There,” Rayna Gellert & Kristin Andreassen.

Best one-liner on the internet. “Make America Great Again for the People It Was Great for Already.” —New York Times op-ed by Bryce Covert, referencing The Donald’s campaign slogan

Use this 15-minute video for one of your weekly meditations. “Father Michael Lapsley at the UN (26 April 2016) speaking on the Healing of Memories.” Lapsley, an Anglican priest in South Africa, was the target of a letter bomb sent by South African security forces. Lapsley lost both hands, an eye, and was severely burned. Since then he has been a leader in the movement for reconciliation, founding the Institute for the Healing of Memories in 1998.

A wedding blessing (June being the most popular month for weddings in the US). “May you have each other always—and want to. May you know that in this wedding feast the Holy Spirit is establishing another beachhead in a fickle and faithless world. It is said that when Jesus rescued the wedding feast at Cana, turning common water into vintage wine, it was done to reveal the glory of God. Don’t you like that—for the glory of God!?” —Ken Sehested, “Blessings, benedictions & charges,” In the Land of the Willing

¶ “This is what vows are for. Because none of us are at our most brilliant, sexy and entertaining selves all the time! We don’t live our lives in party attire and crafted hair all the time. In fact, we all have the occasional morning breath, unaffectionate days and irritable episodes.” —continue reading Ken Sehested’s “This is why they make you take vows: A ‘holy union’ sermon

This is dumbfounding. “While residents of beleaguered Flint face rate hikes for the city's lead-poisoned water and Detroit sees teachers staging sickouts after lawmakers threatened to withhold their full salaries, the state treasury announced this week that Michigan businesses are to effectively pay nothing in taxes this year. In fact, Michigan is projected to give corporations a net refund—even while it faces a budget shortfall of $460 million.” Nika Knight, Common Dreams

Preach it. “The Body of Christ has seen queer folks angry. That anger is warranted. The church as the purveyor of a lot of violence against the queer community should witness that anger and make efforts to understand it.” —continue reading Hillary Brownsmith’s “‘The Lord has taken you up’: A testimony

Call to the table. “You have drunk a bitter wine / With none to be your comfort / You who once were left behind / Will be welcome at love's table.” —“By Way of Sorrow,” Julie Miller

Altar call. “I can say no to myself, I can say yes to God, and then every single day there are tests to prove whether I meant it. I may have meant it yesterday, but I would like to take it back today. Somebody has said, ‘Living sacrifices keep crawling off the altar.’” —Elizabeth Elliott

Post Memorial Day recommended viewing. PBS TV is premiering “War and Peace” this coming Monday. (Check your local stations for the schedule in your area.)  “The impact of war is discussed by former Marine-turned-actor Adam Driver; journalist Sebastian Junger; Albert Einstein Institution executive director Jamila Raqib; humanitarian Samantha Nutt; and Christianne Boudreau, whose son died fighting for ISIS in Syria. Also: a performance by Rufus Wainwright; and the films ‘Talk of War,’ about military families; ‘All Roads Point Home,’ about Maj. Gen. Linda Singh of the Maryland National Guard; and ‘Bionic Soldier,’ about biotechnology and wounded vets.”

Benediction. “There are times when / You might feel aimless / And can't see the places / Where you belong / But you will find that / There is a purpose / It's been there within you / All along / And when you're near it / You can almost hear it.” —“Glorious,” David Archuleta, performed by the One Voice Children’s Choir

Recessional. “Taps” (full version) performed by Melissa Venema with the Metropole orchestra in Amsterdam. The original version of “Taps” was called “Last Post,” and was written by Daniel Butterfield in 1801. It was rather lengthy and formal. In 1862 it was shortened to 24 notes and given its present name.

Lectionary for Sunday next. “May God bring you into the presence of widows whose faith is stronger than famine. May God send Elijah to accompany you to the place where hope outstrips horror. May God provide you with provisions that neither faint nor fail and teach you to say, along the risky journey of faith, “Bless the Lord, O my soul, and bless God’s holy Name.” —adapted from Ken Sehested’s “Elijah and the widow,” a litany for worship inspired by 1 Kings 17:8-24

Just for fun. Need a virtual hug? Enjoy one minute’s worth with a baby elephant.

#  #  #

Featured this week on prayer&politiks:

• “Trans-formation: Controversy over the boundary of God’s welcome continues

• “Come home,” a litany for worship inspired by Psalm 146

• “The Lord has taken you up: A testimony,” by Hillary Brownsmith

• “Elijah and the widow,” a litany for worship inspired by 1 Kings 17:8-24

• “St. Peter and the Jerusalem Protocol: Commentary on Biblical Fidelity and Sexual Orientation

• “This is why they make you take vows: A ‘holy union’ sermon

Memorial Day resources

• “Memorial Day: A summary history: Why being for peace is not enough

• “Peace, like war, is waged,” a litany for worship adapted from a Walker Knight poem

• “Fear not! The nonviolent war cry of the People of God

• “Memorial Day quotes: The minority report

• “Public reasoning and ekklesial reckoning: Commentary on the Vatican conference calling for ‘spirituality and practice of active nonviolence’ to displace church focus on just war”

©Ken Sehested @ prayerandpolitiks.org. Language not otherwise indicated above is that of the editor. Don’t let the “copyright” notice keep you from circulating material you find here (and elsewhere in this site). Reprint permission is hereby granted in advance for noncommercial purposes.

Your comments are always welcomed. If you have news, views, notes or quotes to add to the list above, please do. If you like what you read, pass this along to your friends. You can reach me directly at kensehested@prayerandpolitiks.org.

“The Lord has taken you up”

A testimony

by Hillary Brownsmith

        The Body of Christ has seen queer folks angry. That anger is warranted. The church as the purveyor of a lot of violence against the queer community should witness that anger and make efforts to understand it. But I think the church also needs to see queer folks in our grief for the loss we experienced when we learned that the church is rarely the safe space it should be. The church may not have earned our vulnerability but it needs to bear witness to our grief for there to be true reconciliation.

        That being said, I want to share with you my personal story of grief and then, in the spirit of this month, I want to talk to you about pride.

        I was born in Dothan, Alabama. It’s a small town of no particular importance. It was named after a biblical city that is mentioned once in Genesis 37. The line is “I heard them say let us go to Dothan.” That verse is a nice, concise tagline for a small newspaper or welcome sign. However, if you read the verse in context, heaven forbid, you find that the whole story isn’t so pleasant. Genesis 37 is about Joseph searching for his brothers. On the way to find them, he runs into a man and asks him of their whereabouts. The man responds with the aforementioned tagline. Then Joseph, the teenage dreamer in the rainbow coat, goes to Dothan where his brothers strip him of his coat and sell him into slavery. I get the irony.

        I was baptized into a mainline Southern Baptist church after making a public profession of faith at age five. The display was so inspiring that my father made the plunge too. The verse chosen for my baptism Proverbs 3:5-6 reads “Trust in the Lord with all your heart. Lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your path straight”. Again, the irony does not escape me.

        I was in love with the church. I skipped Sunday school because I wanted to be able to attend the adult services. Being part of that experience was powerfully important to me from the very beginning. This would change as I got older.

        At age 12, I began to question my sexual orientation. By 13 I knew I was gay. Shortly after 14, I found myself consumed with guilt for lying about who I really was. So I came out to two classmates who I imagined would be sympathetic and keep my confidence. A few weeks later, one of those people stood up in a morning math class and outed me. By noon, the whole school of less than 700 students knew. Despite my initial fears, I was never bullied by peers. Teachers were a different story. Because it was a private school, instructors could say what they wanted to students and they often did.

        The real trouble started several months later when my mother found out. Initially, she wept. Then she refused to look at me or touch me. On occasion, when she would accidentally catch my eye in the hallway she would run to the bathroom and vomit. One evening, weeks or perhaps months into this disorienting, painful rejection, my mother hugged me. I thought her disgust had subsided. But she whispered in my ear “You are sick. I am going to help you get better.” What followed is now commonly known as “reparative therapy.”  I was sent to a series of therapists on a mission to find the root of disease. They asked about my absent father, my overbearing mother, and if my height made me feel self-conscience around boys.  After my sessions, what I said would be released to my mother. Because I was under sixteen, this breach of confidentiality was legal. I would then pay for my honesty when I got home. I was also sent to a Baptist minister for counseling. He was surprisingly kind, liberal even. But he was run out of his church a month later for being too progressive. He moved to Texas.

        By the time I was sent to a psychiatrist, just before my sixteenth birthday, I was broken. My level of paranoia was palpable and justified. I was not allowed in bookstores or libraries for fear that I might come upon positive representations of queer culture. A few of my phone calls with friends were recorded, my internet history was checked often, and I was followed when I went out with friends. My anxiety had become so pronounced that I couldn’t enter a church without slipping into a crushing panic attack which I learned to hide so that I wouldn’t be punished for acting out in church. The psychiatrist, seeing my distress, prescribed an SSRI, a powerful form of anti-anxiety medication. At that time, SSRIs had never been tested on children. Now doctors are aware that these medications elicit suicidal fantasies and self-harming tendencies in young people. I experienced those symptoms. I realized the medication was altering my behavior and flushed the pills. I suffered withdrawals I did not know would occur. When I confessed to my mother that I was overwhelmed by depression and fear, she attributed my suffering to my sexuality not the repression of it.

        College seemed like my salvation. I would be away from a town and a family that had deeply wounded me. But it was a continuation of what I had suffered in high school. I talked to an academic advisor about where I was coming from and these things said in confidence were once again shared with my mother. That breach of confidence was not only frustrating but illegal. I never pressed charges.

        At the end of my freshman year at college, my mother found out that I was dating a woman. She called and asked me to choose between my girlfriend and my family. Since my girlfriend was less abusive, I chose her and was summarily disowned. With no other financial resources than what my mother had given me, I became homeless, squatting in a condemned building off campus.

        Eventually, I dropped out of college. Multiple factors attributed to my departure from school but the way I was treated by my advisor certainly influenced my decision. I moved to Atlanta and began working in a homeless shelter. At that point, I had been away from the church for nearly six years, but I found myself relying on God in order to stay present in my work. So when I went to visit my mother in Dothan I picked up a bible I had been given at age 15. On the dedication page, my mother had written Proverbs 3:5-6. Annoyed, I flipped quickly through the pages and landed on a verse that was bracketed, starred, and highlighted. That verse was Psalm 27:10: “When your father and mother forsake you, the Lord has taken you up.”

        I had lived in Atlanta and been to the annual pride parade but it didn’t make much sense to me. I had been fighting to exist. I hadn’t had the time or the emotional energy to cultivate pride. It was in the re- discovery of that verse that I began to understand what gay pride could mean for me. God chose to give me a peculiar lens through which to see the world. My Parent knew that I would grieve until the grief gave way to the gift intended for me. That gift, the ability to stand in two divergent worlds and tell both communities that they need one another to be whole, is a weighty responsibility that I had the opportunity to reject.  But I was trusted by the One who took me up. I will live out my days making sure that the trust was well-placed.

# # #

24 June 2012
Circle of Mercy Congregation, Asheville, NC

Hillary Brownsmith, a certified trauma counselor, lives in Western North Carolina with her partner Kristen and son Hosea. She works with The Steady Collective addressing the public health crisis of opiod abuse, consulting with faith-based groups and other nonprofits, and supporting drug users in moving toward wellness.

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